I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
