i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
