Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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