i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
