Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
