Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
