Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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