Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
