wanna go halves on a baby?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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