He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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