just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just high enough for therapy.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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