you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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