Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
