She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
