We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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