just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
