i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
