Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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