Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
