I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Randomize
