At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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