I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
