Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
