I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
