guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
