evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
no you cant smoke seaweed
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I currently don't understand fingers.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize