You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
