I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Randomize
