He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
