Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
