My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
