i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You may now shotgun with the bride
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
