you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
