Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
