i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
