so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
