gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
