capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
