I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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