he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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