I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
