I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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