If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
