apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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