what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
