i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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