ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
