I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
