I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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