Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
