did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
