these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
