so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
