that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
