So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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