So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
