take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I party with great urgency now.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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