Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
