I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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