so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Randomize
