upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize