i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I can text with my tongue
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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