did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
