Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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