There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
