M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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