Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
No subtext here. People are naked.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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