If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I don't think brook has ever known best
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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