dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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