I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
